Wrongfully Accused as an Addict

When you think of the word addict, what comes to mind? Perhaps like me you envision an inner city individual who is homeless on the streets of Vancouver. This person uses drugs regularly, cannot be without, and will do anything and spend every last penny on their next fix. Their family and friends are but a sad memory, left behind because they chose that drug over their supports. Their life revolves around that drug. Perhaps that scenario is on the extreme side of the spectrum but you understand my point. Addiction hurts, destroys, and kills.

I have been off work due to depression and anxiety since December 2011. It has been a heart breaking struggle filled with many bumps and bruises I experience daily. In the beginning my symptoms were unrelenting and debilitating, consisting of anxiety, restlessness, agitation, irritability, continual pacing, panic attacks, outbursts, emotional dysregulation, and drastic changes in mood. I was prescribed a plethora of medications including Ativan and Valium. When none of that seemed to resolve my symptoms I reverted to marijuana use. It became a crutch to help cope with the symptoms. 

Eventually I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 and started on Lithium which began to give me the stability I needed. Following this discovery I weaned myself off of the Valium and decreased my Ativan consumption to a strictly situational use which averages out to 4 Tablets a month. 

When I should have been receiving a pat on the back for my success I received instead a label of an "addict." At this point I had drastically decreased my cannabis consumption and was making progress in all areas of life. Suddenly I was being bombarded with something that felt completely foreign and out of place. A month after this diagnosis I quit using marijuana on my own with no if ands or butts and without a single word of remorse. The diagnosing psychiatrist stated that I lacked insight into this situation and that I would be unable to abstain without help or treatment. 

Twenty days after I've proved them wrong but I am still unable to escape that label. When faced with health care providers who have read the report stating that I am an addict I am amazed at how small my voice becomes. My ability to advocate for myself has deteriorated before my eyes and everything I say is interpreted as an addict saying whatever I can to get out of the situation. My own GP threw my trust out the window by dismissing what I was saying and accepting only the report stating I'm an addict. She told me to "learn to accept the truth and stop being in denial." I feel trapped in this unforgiving label that does not fit me. I have always been an open and very honest individual and now my cries of truth are being dismissed. I will not threaten my integrity by admitting something that is not true. I feel as though I have been wrongfully accused.

Labelling

The most frustrating experience in my opinion and I'm sure many will agree, is being labeled as a mental illness. It feels as though in that moment and from then on you lose credibility and your voice is not taken as seriously as it was before the label was thrust upon you. Of course I speak from my own experiences.

My voice is that of an RN, wife, step mother, and woman in society. Yes I do suffer from Bipolar Type 2, perhaps some borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits, and anxiety disorders, but I am not Bipolar, I am not BPD, and I am not Anxiety. These labels only help determine my treatment and explain some personality traits and struggles that I deal with on a daily basis.

To label someone according to their disease begins to create an identity planted in that disorder. Let us use Depression as an example, by stating "I am Clinically Depressed" anchors that depression into the route of who you are, instead we should be saying "I have Clinical Depression" highlighting that this illness is something I have as apposed to defining who I am.

One of my least favorite labels is "Addict" it has such a terrible connotation to it and your voice becomes forever shadowed by that term. Substance dependence or abuse are much kinder and softer terms that should be adopted by all. I do not agree in Narcotics Anonyms and Alcoholics Anonyms because you are expected to stand up and say "I am an Addict" instead of "I suffer from addiction." Due to the nature of those groups it is something you can never be free from because once an addict always an addict. I can only imagine how devastating that can be to our self esteem.

I believe that these labels do not own us or define us they are simply there to explain something that we suffer from and to help offer an explanation for certain behaviors and symptoms that present. Let us be kinder to ourselves and those around us by using terminology that does not define who we are.